I cried myself to sleep and in my dream, met Love.
“Try again darling.” she said.
“Rest. Then try again.”
Premonition is a funny thing. It comes so swiftly and with such brevity at times, that we often wonder if we imagined it.
“Where did that thought come from?..Why on earth did I think of that?.. Am I merely making stuff up?”
Moments like these are so fleeting that we often forget about them. Dismissing the instance as irrelevant. We think that it is nothing to concern ourselves with and go on about our day. It is only when the premonition comes true that we, if we are conscious enough of our thoughts, begin to realize that in some way, somehow, we were warned.
When I wrote this poem a short while ago I thought it was odd. I didn’t feel this way. Love had fallen right into my lap in the most unexpected way and I had my arms wide open, receiving it. All of my needs and wants were met. Everything that I ever wanted, present. Internally, there was nothing but joy. I was beaming. How lucky was I to be so blessed? What were the odds?
I felt as if everything was beginning to fall into place. I was growing, shedding societal beliefs, and emerging more and more into the person that I knew myself to be. The person that I wanted to become. The person that didn’t hold their love in a locked box and wasn’t afraid to dispense it. The person that recognized when situations began to reappear, like clockwork and made an active effort to do something different. Insanity was repeating the same action time and time again, seeking a different result. I knew that I was not insane. I was making changes. I was going to escape the pattern.
And I did.
I escaped. I opened my heart and one of my worst fears came to fruition. My heart was broken. Yet, here I am, telling myself that it’s okay. In this situation I felt emotions that I had never before allowed myself to feel… It was beautiful. In the past, I would always run away before I got the chance to really feel. It was all in an effort to escape the potential of pain. It’s funny though, because if given the choice, I would do it all again.
Sometimes, we surround ourselves with barriers to keep ourselves safe, but in that same way leave such a small space in our enclosure that we don’t have enough room to grow.
I am not insane.
I, am in the new habit of facing my fears.
I, am breaking down my barriers.
I, will rest.
And when the time is right,
I, will try again.
(And if your story is in any way similar to mine… I hope you try again too)
peace + love